So, the unthinkable happens. Like some bizarre homage to The Hunger Games, someone manages to trap you within a horror film.
Here are a few tips that, won't necessarily help you survive, but will certainly allow you to blend in and happily settle in to your new role in "Disgusting Chainsaw-Wielding Bleeding Demons from Hell 4".
- Don't mince words. If you are trying to avoid a "7 foot, blood stained, red-eyed, spike covered, meat hook-wielding, perverted maniac", then for heaven's sake say so. 'The monster' or 'what-the-hell-is-that-thing' won't have quite the same effect.
- Always state the obvious. "It's too dangerous", "I'm scared", "Don't go, I love you" - things like these which can turn the simplest of viewer's brain to sponge cake are perfect.
- Decide you're better off alone. Sure, a group can provide more targets, protection or maybe just a decent conversation [but don't get your hopes up] By all means, if walking off by yourself equipped with nothing but a baseball bat -which is sure to stop blood-thirsty ghosts - is what seems right to you, do it.
- Darkness is your friend. It has to be, other horror-movie-attendees seem to believe so. In darkness you won't see the thing trying to kill you, which by far will make your experience a lot less terrifying. Apparently.
- And finally, when the time comes that the huge slime-monster from some haunted lagoon is sprinting at you with the clear intention to murder, then make absolutely sure that you stand completely still, screaming your head off, until the monster finally reaches you and actually takes your head off.
Also for your consideration:
- If you are a male, your chances will go one of two ways. You will die gruesomely, or you'll be that one person in about 6 who actually survives the horrors. And go on towards therapy, presumably.
- If you are female, your chances will too go on of two ways. You will die gruesomely. Or you will be raped. And then die gruesomely. Depending on the age rating of the film, of course.
We hope that this information will help you, should you somehow get downloaded into a horror movie of some kind.
And remember the number one piece of advice. Rather opposing the number one piece of advice of The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. But this isn't science fiction. This is a world where haunting horrors from hell are trying to destroy you. So remember advice piece 1:
PANIC.
There are two important and popular facts that make this story gain more sense.
1. A few/many/however-many years ago, a young, creative idiot created a word; a word that never really entered everyday consciousness, yet meant a lot to its creator. This word was "insaniac" - (n) word blend of 'insane' and 'maniac'.
2. The same creative idiot and his equally creative friend once planned to run around a busy shopping centre, hidden in large cardboard boxes. For fun, probably.
Anyway.
So many or however-many years later - AKA quite recently - in a simple yet paradigmatic mad facebook conversation, the same box-suggesting friend happened to use the 'word' insaniac.
Suddenly, the word's creator went mad! His word had been used by another!
So, trying to hold his excitement, the young word-creating hero promised ALL of his love to the word-using heroine/princess [depending on how politically-correct you want this fairytale. Some women are cut out to be heroines, some just like being princesses willing to be loved and/or saved from a fire-breathing dragon. Hell, I'm not the damn head of the PC federation. Let's get back to this damned story!]
The young princess/heroine/well-developed-young-woman-who-has-full-potential-to-be-JUST-as-successful-as-a-man then tried to remember where she had heard the word. She seemed almost scared - the demand from the word-smith seemed rather too much. For a split second, she feared almost death itself.
Yet then she revealed that she HAD heard the word from the actual creator.
And thus earned ALL the love from the word-smith.
She admitted to feeling like she had been proposed to, from the insaniac world.
So the male word-smith actually proposed a wedding - with a box theme.
[-For those who have stuck around until this point and aren't still stuck in my PC rant, you'll be happy to learn that you are (hopefully) clever enough to realise that by now, BOTH of the preliminary points have now been addressed-]
MOVING ON!
The wedding plans between the two, now bonded together stronger than ever before, began from there. On the day of Box Matrimony, there they would be. She, with a furniture box styled dress and microwave-meal-sleeve veil. He in a modestly selected cereal-box tuxedo.
And they would love each other forever.
They would see boxing matches. They would fly box-kites. They would play Boxhead.
Not because the author ran out of box puns and typed in 'box' into Google, no, that would be outrageous. It would be due to the fact that they liked to...kills zombies online. Apparently.
An insaniac life for an 'insaniac' creator and insaniac 'user'.
And boxes.
Don't forget the boxes.
