I share a special affinity with music. To a lot of people I know, and this is not a judgement on them but just an observation, music is simply something to be enjoyed. They listen to pop songs on the radio, sing along in the car and find their journey goes quicker; they fixate on new music playing in the office to ignore phone calls going on around them; some play music simply to fill silence.
For me, music is something to be experienced. I tend to avoid popular, current songs because they all sound the same to me; fun but without character. Not to mention they are played relentlessly on the radio and are worn out.
I like my music to have meaning and emotion. My favourite songs, they make me happy, they help me remember, they let me feel stronger. They have gotten me through tough times; in moments when I have felt worthless, meaningless and even unloved, unwilling to turn to others for help, it has been music that helped pull me out of the pit.
For some I build worlds and stories in my head. I own more than 650 songs. That's a lot of stories.
I can listen to the same song a hundred times and feel the same chill in my blood each time, as I mouth along - never sing along, the artist is doing just fine - and lose myself in the music. This is why I always opt for the soft, inner-ear earphones with noise cancellation, to contain the entire song in my head and drown out the outside world. Nothing but my mind and their music.
And today I have found a new one, that has affected me so much I feel the need to write about it.
Friday June 23rd 2017, release day of Imagine Dragons' new album Evolve. I am a huge fan of Imagine Dragons, ever since I downloaded their song Demons on a whim - which has since reached Spot Four in my personal list of 25 Favourite Songs. I have both their albums Night Visions and Smoke & Mirrors, and have played them - more so Night Visions - to the point of obsession. It is rare for me to own an album and enjoy all the songs on it, but Imagine Dragons are the exception. I remain convinced they cannot make a bad song and Evolve reinforces this belief.
We'd already been teased by pre-releases of singles (Believer, Thunder, Whatever It Takes) which have already reached a high point in my Times Played, and I was eager for more. By 9:05 this morning I had already downloaded the rest of the songs and was delving into the new stuff.
Track 5: Rise Up is the inspiration for this post.
While I like all their songs, there will always be one on an album - for all my chosen bands, not just Imagine Dragons - that I like the most. Demons, for Night Visions, Polaroid for Smoke & Mirrors. This is the choice for Evolve.
It caught me almost immediately, my blood ran cold within the first two lines of verse and I knew this was going to be a good one. Lead singer Dan Reynolds has an amazing voice in each and every song, but just occasionally it has that bit more power to it, a bit more spark, that you cannot hope but follow while he inspires belief. Demons has it. Monster has it. And now Rise Up has it.
It is my new fight song, the song that helps me feel stronger, the song that helps me believe in myself.
(Anyone who thinks that sounds cheesy might have the 'Enjoyment' relationship with music I outlined earlier - not to say that's a bad thing)
I listened to it trying my best not to well up, at the emotion, the empowerment, contained within the three minutes and fifty one seconds of song. Suffice to say, I listened to it again. Four more times, before moving on to the next one. I liked and enjoyed the rest, but didn't love them like I did Rise Up.
And at the end of this personal reflection, the song ended and I looked around me. My colleagues were chatting, laughing, working away and I looked at them like they were mad. How could they be so relaxed, when something so incredible, so amazing, had just occurred? What was there to chat about, when there was beauty and inspiration like this in the world?
This is my relationship with music. I love it, and I live it.
And I thank Imagine Dragons for everything they have given me. Eagerly awaiting whatever may come next.
# Want to see it all give me more (rise, rise up) #
- Robert
They don't teach you how to love somebody.
- Neil Gaiman,
The Kindly Ones.
To a casual observer, this blog acts as something in which I can deposit..."things." Travel writing, game reviews, random short stories and my recent family tribute. I would like to be a bit more regular with this thing but one issue of growing older is you seem to run out of spare time very quickly - you might as well book out your weekends now, just to save time.
Not that I'm complaining of course. My social life is at its highest peak ever - including one special addition which I'm coming onto - and I've been having a lot of fun. During the week day evenings, I like to either: read one of the 30+ books waiting to be read, watch one of 20+ TV shows on my list, watch a film from the 50+ list, game, listen to music or maybe, just maybe if the mood takes me and suddenly all the above choices don't appeal, I can do some writing.
(It's still a lifetime goal to have a finished novel by the time I'm 25 years old. HAH! Optimism.)
This meandering introduction is simply to explain (but not justify) the sporadic nature of my posting on Insaniac Journal. Today though, I'm back and I'm bringing some wisdom with me. That's right ladies and gents, today's adventure is a Life Post.
I have a boyfriend. Let's let that sink in for a mo. Me, the king of reading alone, writing alone, going on walks alone, gaming alone, even eating alone, has somehow managed to meet someone for whom that kind of lifestyle is appealing?
Yes, I have a boyfriend. Who saw that coming? Certainly not me in years 2013 through to 2016, but 2017 is where all of the above changed. It's where my social life at home started to pick up and turn into the Random Days Out, Madcap Adventures, More Confident Me it is now.
It's also when I started to use Tinder in a much more...shall we say..."dedicated" way, rather than my previous approach of matching with someone and lapsing into a terrified silence. My transition into not-fully-confident-but-more-confident-than-before, it wasn't without its mishaps. Even at the end of 2016, start of 2017, there was still some emotional pain and a random night in Bournemouth I'd sooner wipe off the record, but it was a start. I was finally comfortable enough - when you've been single for the best part of a decade it's difficult to get out of that mind set - to work on meeting the Right One.
Now picture the scene. It's the day before payday, I'm low on funds and yet decide to accompany the Mother to Basingstoke for a random, eventless Sunday afternoon. Men can only browse without buying for so long, and I had already spent my last remaining pennies on some more films to add to the list. Thus I was sat on a bench somewhere, polishing off some doughnuts purchased with change I'd happened to have on me, doing my best to connect to the nearest Wi-Fi. When this ultimately failed I switched to 4G and clicked into Tinder.
My logic behind this was I'd already swiped left (Rejected, for those who don't speak Tinder) more or less everyone back home. The app works off your current location and you can set how far away you want to find matches. I kept these settings fairly low and close to home - I've already had one random encounter with a randy Scotsman. Admittedly, I tried to make matches whenever I ventured away from home. You can swipe right (Like) people at any time, but the chat doesn't start until they Like you back, so on daytrips away you can see who's in the local area, Like the ones you, well, like, and then see if anyone's messaged you when you get back home. Equally if you don't look at the app all day, others can still Like you while you're in the area and you'll find out whenever you sign in next.
On a random note, when in Cardiff a few weeks previous, I'd had minimal luck.
Anyway. To this day I'm not sure if 'The Boyf' had travelled to Basingstoke before me, was there at the time, or my/his location settings were vast enough to reach as far as Reading (location of his university). Either way he appeared in my list of choices and after a brief read through his bio - and of course a study of his chosen profile pictures - I swiped him right. Sure enough, he'd gotten there before me. An instant match was made and a conversation window opened up.
Now. The point of this little tale and what shall be the Advice of this Life Post. When presented with an empty chat window on Tinder, my best responses tended to go no further than "Hey =]" or "Hey man =]" - properly original, I know.
But this time, I made an exception. I was bored, I was poor, I had finished dusting the doughnut sugar off my fingertips and I was feeling ready to write. I clicked back into his biography and Personal Likes. It didn't take a genius to deduce he was a fan of all things Disney; specially, The Little Mermaid. (It really wouldn't take a genius, his description ends "I just like cuddles and The Little Mermaid".)
He was cute, he was sweet and I wanted to know more. He'd even said he wanted to be "swept off my feet" so something like Hey really was not going to work here. Something awoke inside my mind. My creative brain kicked in. I wanted to be his Prince Charming, a character I had never embodied before, too busy reading and writing. Suddenly the pen really was mightier than the sword.
(Yes I wasn't actually using a pen but typing on a touch-screen phone; sometimes one must suspend disbelief for the sake of poetry)
In the middle of that busy, noisy shopping centre I plugged in my earphones and loaded up Part of Your World from The Little Mermaid soundtrack. I think had I used the pretty obvious words 'Part of Your World' alone I would have received a similarly positive reaction, but when my creative side is at full power, there's no such thing as subtlety.
Using its tune, I replaced the lyrics into something personal to him. It is understandably cheesy, because that's just the kind of hopeless romantic I am, and a little bit personal to us, so to spare us both I shall refrain from repeating my woven words here. A small hint would be that the final line changed to "I want to be, part of his world."
And, success. He was rather overwhelmed, I think is an appropriate word and our conversation flowed from there. The next day, Valentine's no less, he asked to add me on WhatsApp. Less than a month later, we had our first date. A week later, our first kiss. Less than two months after I "sang" on Tinder, we became an item.
The Princess and the Timelord.
So the moral of the story? Piece what's been written so far with the title and you might be able to guess it. I had spent so long sticking to boring convention, opening a chat with "Hey" and gotten nowhere. With Ariel - as I came to name him - I made the exception and now we're very much in love. It's just goes to show what a difference being different can make. Write a fun opening line. Occasionally bring gifts. Show that you listened on the first date by surprising them with their favourite chocolate bar. One little bit of extra effort was all it took and now I've found someone who makes me happier than I considered possible.
Also - and prepare for gushing, here, some of you may wish to skip to the end - I want to tell the solo writers/gamers/walkers out there, you're not as undesirable as you might think. I went into this relationship woefully unequipped in knowledge/experience of how relationships are supposed to work and how I'm expected to act. None of that mattered. Ariel brought me past all that. He didn't mind my nervousness/anxiety and has been brilliant at making me feel better. I believe he even found it cute. Such people really do exist and I got lucky enough to find one.
That's it from me. One extra effort to find the one you love.
Be brave, be different, be creative, be brilliant.
Be yourself.
- Rob
PS: To Ariel, because I know you're reading this (possibly for the fifth time now?) - much love to you, and always remember your mission.
Show me what you can do.
x
See you on the dark side of the moon.
Today I paid my respects to someone special to me.
This is understandably a sad and difficult time; suitably it becomes a time for family, friends, unity. People coming together to share memories and affections for the one we have lost; to think how we knew him and how we will remember him.
Personally, I shall always remember his voice. Whenever he spoke of something about which he was passionate, he always spoke with such conviction, such enthusiasm. I would find myself enraptured, listening keenly to each syllable - and what made it special is that he was always kind. His manner was consistently calm, warm and welcoming, he spoke with passion, never needing to raise his voice to keep my attention.
He talked and I listened. That is what I shall miss the most.
In the last stages of his life, he suffered from illness. I was preparing myself to visit and say goodbye. Before I did so, I was shown a picture of him in his final days. He was so changed, so far gone. In that picture was a man I did not recognise. He was no longer who I knew him to be. It was already too late to say goodbye. That is an unfortunate circumstance I shall have to live with for the rest of my life, and I shall also have to live the rest of my life, unable to hear his voice ever again. His words that held power while being kind as well.
That is what has hurt me the most.
So on this day of family and friends, remember to cherish the ones you love. Make sure you're never too late to say goodbye. Whatever your favourite feature - their voice, their face, their smile - enjoy it whenever and while you can.
And make as many memories as possible. In memories, we are immortal.
I'll hear your stories again, someday. And remember your voice always.
- Rob
