I currently have a dull-as-dead-dishwater essay hanging over my shoulders, and to make sure my Creativity doesn't get sucked out by this Dementor of Boredom.
So, this is actually something I've been meaning to post for a while. During my "6-Days-At-Home-For-Easter", I decided which kind of employment-scale person I pity the most. It isn't a bus-driver, it isn't a celebrity, it isn't that unemployed, homeless guy to whom I gave a Chewitt because I had nothing else.
I feel pity for the Dentist.
"The Dentist?!" You probably won't say. "The Dentist? The one who earns more than enough a week, drives a BMW and spends most of their life sat down? You've gone mad, Robert. Mad!"
(To any of those who properly know me, 'gone mad' is far too past-tense to describe me now)
But yes, I pity The Dentist. Sure, they may be fairly rich and have it quite easy; but that is just the tip of this Iceberg mint. The true nature of The Dentist is 7/8s below the water.
(Or mouthwash, depending on how allergic to puns you are)
But consider this: Firstly, The Dentist is feared. Think back, when you were a child - and maybe still, even now - did you fear The Dentist? Did you sit in school, the day of your appointment, dreading the twisted mass of bone and metal soon to come? Did you organise your next appointment 6months ahead and naively feel you had an eternity before the next torture? Did you sit in the waiting room, a jumble of nerves, trying to distract yourself with the funny-looking-toothbrush posters?
If the answer to these is Yes, you and I shared a similar childhood.
The simple fact-of-the-matter is, The Dentist is right up there on the Childhood-Scares metre, nestling in nicely somewhere between "Cupboard Monsters" and that good old TV show Goosebumps.
(Yes, Goosebumps scared me as a kid. Remember the TV intro and that dog with the glowing yellow eyes? That alone would have me freaked for the rest of the evening.)
So yeah. The Dentist has to go to work everyday - possibly in a BMW - knowing that every time a child sits in the foldy chair, they are petrified. They're petrified of what's going to happen to their teeth, they're petrified of the man/woman behind the mask and all they've got to listen to is that constant "eeeeeeeeeeee" noise which NEVER stops in that sodding waiting room. Seriously, Dentists must build up a considerable tolerance to that high-pitched whine. I wouldn't be surprised if they experimented with a 'Dentist-Mating-Group', and evolution would soon lead to a Dentist which had the hearing skills of a bat.
Where was I? Oh right. The Dentist is rich, and feared. Much like Christopher Lee, I imagine. (Who once played a Dentist; the plot thickens)
My second Point of Pity: sure, they get to sit down all day, but all they have to look at is that SHOCKING white which accompanies any building with the word 'Surgery' on the sign, and people's mouths. Be honest, have you ever looked in your own mouth after brushing your teeth and been even remotely entertained?
If the answer's Yes, I would recommend a long holiday, maybe in a place with a lot of clubs and a distinct lack of mirrors.
Feared and bored. That's a dangerous combination; last time someone feared and bored walked into Gotham City, a lot of people died.
Are there Dentists in Batman's world?
...Sorry, tangent. We'll come back to that another day.
Yet another pointer: A Dentist's patients are, mostly, liars.
Be completely honest: Every day, once or twice, you'll brush your teeth. You might not put an awful lot of effort into it, you might even leave it til tomorrow morning.
Only once or twice a year will you properly clean your teeth: The Night before The Dentist Appointment. There'll be electric toothbrushes dragged out from forgotten Xmas presents, mouthwash, gargling, floss - the full shebang. Your teeth will be cleaned within an inch of their existence, and then portrayed proudly the day after like a dog at Crufts.
"Ah, I see you floss and use mouthwash often?" Says The Dentist, with your child cowering in the corner, desperately waiting for you to finish.
"Oh yes, every day," you "lie through your teeth", probably not very coherently.
I wonder if The Dentists know this happens. If they do, they must sit there thinking "Oh what is the point? I've got a liar, then a whimpering child afterwards, all the while looking at teeth."
Bus drivers probably don't uses buses.
Waiters probably eat their food with little serving as possible.
But can Dentists avoid bringing home with them? Walk in the door, drop your coat, smile at your kids and BOOM, Daddy's back in the office.
(If by now you do pity Dentists, now pity their children. No sweets, mouthwash at Halloween and the constant threat that if you break an ornament, you'll be getting an appointment 6months in advance)
There are probably jobs which deserve more pity. Grave diggers. Warehouse workers. The backing instrumentalists for Justin Bieber, etc.
But when I had my Dentist appointment and was lying, staring up at a Where's Wally poster on the ceiling, I had time to think. And when I have time to think, it normally ends up with me coming here to write random musings.
Maybe if I had been wearing my glasses, I'd have just tried to find Wally and gone home. But sometimes being partially blind leads to inspiration.
Although never tell a blind person this. I cannot imagine the foul look you'd get in return over your left shoulder.
Okay, we're getting bitchy now. Time to wrap this rant up. Pity the Dentist, be nice to the blind and sometimes forget your glasses. You never know what might come up.
by Robert Bull- "writer, Timelord, and anything that isn't boring"
