Monday, 8 July 2013

Come on. One More Mission?

Short Story

A battle field; entirely suspended in space and time. Shells; floating impossibly in the air, unable to move or detonate. Travelling bullets decorate the atmosphere like a thousand flies. Men stand in comical, musical-statue poses, waiting for the orders that are yet to arrive.
There is only ever one leader, the one who receives the orders. His men merely act off of him. His enemies; doubly so. This man is currently at the back, one hand in the action of putting a pistol away, the other reaching for a grenade. He is surrounded by his soldiers, some about to crouch, some already firing their guns, and the rest are stuck in the motions of death. One particular drop of blood from an unfortunate headshot is just waiting to land on the leader's boots.
The war zone has been like this for almost a week.

Maybe he started a new game thinks the Leader. No, can't be. I don't feel younger or less experienced. Must be a holiday.
The leader sighs inwardly. This is far from the first time this had occurred.
In fact, this was just another day in the field.

*

The Leader had started out so optimistic; so naïve. Choosing his uniform and his weaponry had taken a while; and he had suffered incredible wrist spasms when a shotgun kept being replaced by a machine gun, and then back again.
But eventually, everything had darkened. And out of the darkness, came the war. A swirling mass of gunfire, explosions, screaming, bloodshed and CONSTANT running.
At least, that's what the voice in his head seemed to scream the most.
RUN. RUN. RUN. STOP. CROUCH. AIM. FIRE-FIRE-FIRE-FIRE-FIRE. STAND. RUN. RUN. THROW GRENADE. RUN.
Never could he question the voice, or disobey it. If he heard RUN, he found himself running. If he heard FIRE, he found himself shooting. And so on.

His existence was far from stress-free. Well, war zones are never going to be stress-free, but that is heightened rather when some voice in your head tells you to sprint at the enemy, and then tells you to start shooting about twenty steps too late. The Leader would escape alive; but blinking red out of his vision was just becoming second nature.

All that was day one. And then he had felt his first save.
The missions that day had gone well. Several men had been lost; and he'd dropped at least three unwanted pistols on his foot, but things progressed smoothly.
Then a beach swum into his view from nowhere, and the Leader found himself on a U-boat, packed in with his men. Gunfire started early, and a few men were lost almost immediately. The U-boat bumped into shore, the ramp descended, everyone roared their war noises and ran forward - the Leader in front - and then everything just sort of...stopped.
The Leader froze entirely. He couldn't move an inch; yet something in the back of his mind whispered that he still had the capability.
This was followed by an odd rushing feeling, leaving the Leader feeling like he was nailed to the spot. All impulses and orders died in his mind, and the general atmosphere left behind was that of desertion.
The battle field felt slightly darker then, and thus began The Save Wait.

*
 
The Leader thought back to day one, as he stood there with his men. One foot in a puddle, hands mid-way through changing weapons, blood silently waiting to decorate him. This had to be the longest Save Wait yet.
This is ridiculous the Leader decided. No solider should have to wait this long when, quite literally, standing in the middle of a war. Let's try something new...
 
As if on cue, the battle field seemed to lighten then, and the feelings of freedom and movement returned to the Leader, along with everything else.
Bullets and shells found their momentum, noise found its voice and blood splattered anything it could. The Save Wait diminished in a flood of sensory panic.
RUN. RUN RUN. FIRE FIRE FIRE.
The voices returned.
But the Leader did his best to avoid them.
 
RUN. RUN-RUN-RUN.
No. No I won't. I don't have to. I don't want to.
The resulting brain-mix up had the Leader doing a sort of jig towards the battle field.
 
But his rebellion was felt everywhere. Enemies started looking from their guns to their opposition and then frowning. A few of the Leader's soldiers started dancing and skipping around.
 
Still, the voices tore at the Leader.
RUN! They screamed. RUN-FIRE-THROW=GRENADE!!
The Leader kept fighting. The mass of orders flowing through his limbs had him suffering what looked like some sort of fit. A random twitch threw a grenade at a nearby tree; another sent his gun flying off into the dirt.
 
On the other side of the field, their freedom coming through more and more as the Leader found it all, the 'enemies' started to play football with small rocks they found lying around.
Opposite them, the Leader's men were making sculptures out of all their guns.
 
The Leader's movements were bordering on insanity. Somebody, somewhere, was pushing a lot of buttons all at once. The voices in his head were saying every available action all at once.
Until, eventually, something snapped.
But it wasn't the Leader. It was the Leader's Controller's patience.
 
Everything suddenly dimmed. Another Save Wait all over again.
But this one felt different. There was no Save Time-Freeze.
This felt new. A Shut-Down, without a Save Wait.
 
The Leader had all of a few seconds to celebrate his release. No voices, no demands, no standing around like vegetables. They could run this world.
...if the words PROGRESS HAS BEEN LOST didn't flash through, uninvited.
Time reversed; the Leader had an odd few moments of doing the rebellion motions backwards while his soldiers and enemies had guns fly into their hands; bullets flew backwards and shells reassembled themselves and returned to their barrels.
 
The Leader stood, just off a U-boat ramp, surrounded by frozen soldiers and artillery.
Ready to fight again another day.
 
***
 
The moral of the story?
 
1. Be considerate where you save your games. Imagine jumping over a fit pit, being stuck mid-way through and hovering there for hours on end.
 
...and I suppose....
 
 
2. We all get bored and rebellious sometimes. So try and have fun with it!

Tuesday, 2 July 2013

How to Freak Out Tourists

While writing up my Italy trip which you shall find below, I found in my notes this little list of things I created to, as the title suggests, confuse tourists.
Admittedly, I did not do all of these. But I did manage to get over half of them:

  • Pose for a picture, with no-one holding a camera anywhere near you
  • Stand in front of monuments and take lots of pictures in the other, wrong, direction
  • If possible, change your chosen language every now and then (Can also help to get away from the tourist street sellers. None of them seemed to know any Russian)
  • Audibly name every pigeon you see OR loudly tell them to get off the monuments
  • Pretend to be a tour guide and make up your own stories and legends (Just don't charge anything. You'll be sure to get a crowd and keep out of trouble)
  • Stride up to the front of a tour group and declare the guide a ghost
  • If possible, replicate whatever a tour guide is holding up in the air to direct their group, and stand ready at a T-junction
  • Look through your camera backwards
  • Point at a statue, loudly proclaim "I win, you blinked!" and carry on
  • Stare pointedly at an exit sign for a minute; then walk resolutely in the opposite direction
  • Use an audio guide as a phone; constantly ask them to speak up or if they're currently in a tunnel
And always, always remember the three Ps:
Photo-bomb, photo-bomb, photo-bomb.

Rob's Rome Ramble


When In Rome…
Travel writing or not, I wish to start on a personal note.
I find people who designate beginnings as ‘difficult’ just can’t be trying hard enough.
Beginnings are beautiful. They open every single door at once, and all you have to do is choose, and let the path of story-telling fall out in front of your feet.

That said do I start my Italy holiday on the plane, or in Rome?

 No, I tell you what. I’ll start about ten years ago. Non-linear narrative coming up:
I’m around nine or ten years old, and it’s Christmas which can only mean one thing…time to book a holiday.
As per usual, Mum comes along and asks for my opinion of where we should go next. I think for a minute, and reply “Rome”, in my best ‘ten-year-old-Rob’ voice. Not entirely sure why I said that. But what I DO know is that we ended up in Spain. And every year since, I always said I wanted to go to Rome for the holiday.
2013, I finally get my wish. Mum goes off on an impulsive fling and I get a text saying she’s booked a four-day holiday in Rome. Ten years on, my childish side did smile to know I was finally going there.

 Day One: 23/06/13
Okay, I’ve made my decision. I’m going to start in Rome, because planes are dull. A plane journey would go like this:
My ears hurt, we were stuck in a claustrophobic tube for 2 and a half hours, I read a book, saw a bit of the Alps and wanted more apple juice. I listened to Adele’s song Skyfall and hoped it didn’t come true.
Ah, I remember the days when I actually did write like that. Anyway, moving on.

Mum and I are frantically poring around an Italian airport’s Meeting-Point, looking for our surname on a piece of card. Mum gets to the very cusp of just getting in an ordinary taxi (she had be warned, however, that some might try and rip us off), when I switched on ‘Focused Mode’ and saw our name – upside down – on quite a long list, held by a small Italian woman. Mum ambles over and gets out her passport as identity, to which the woman replies “I believe who you are, madam!”
I burst out laughing and we head over to some chairs, waiting for the others to arrive.
When they eventually do show up – through the many crowds and many, many different dialects – we head over to a mini-bus, load up our suitcases and head off.
My first glimpses of Italy were rather clichéd to a British tourist – dried, dead-looking trees, rustic and rusting homes in the distance and mad motoring.
(Like seriously mad motoring. You drive for yourself, and that’s it. Mum and I agreed: it’s mad, but it’s all entirely mad, so it works.)

Anyway, after quite a long drive on the motorway and stops off at random hotels – where your mind plays the “Ooh, I hope this isn’t our district” game – we arrive at our accommodation, Hotel Artemide. Which meant nothing to me. As a kid with holiday-paying-parents, you just kind of accept the living quarters.
As it happened, the door opened onto a rather swank reception, with plush sofas and very noticeable air conditioning. Mum and I go over to speak to our first Italian man encountered on the trip, would you believe, he was named Mario. While they sorted out room details, passports and credit cards, I was constantly holding in the urge to laugh.
Soon enough, a very helpful porter came along – with colliding politeness, I swear he looked ready to wrestle the cases away from us – and took us up to room 307.

There began the “Settling into a Hotel Room” routine. You know, opening drawers for no apparent reason, messing with the headless hangers, inspecting the “tea-and-coffee-making-facilities” and generally messing the pristine bed up into something more comfortable. Oh, and using hotel soap, which is a marvel into itself. What DO they put in that stuff which makes your hands feel like rock afterwards?
Plus a quick trip to the rooftop bar, just to see our hotel in full…….and maybe sample some alcohol.

Anyway, Mum did her own little ‘We’re in Rome!’ dance, while I updated my travel journal. But truth be told, I couldn’t resist grinning every now and then. The taxi ride over had revealed one or two sights to see, but tomorrow, the whole of Rome was pretty much ours.

 Day Two: 24/06/13
If anyone has developed the skill to sleep through the hum of an air-conditioning machine, I thoroughly urge you to breed and breed until you can stand no more. You’d be doing evolution a great favour.
Yeah, the first night’s sleep is often a bitch. But, why care when a city you’d been waiting for was right outside the doors?

Although before that came breakfast.
And when I say breakfast, I mean breakfast buffet.
Something extraordinary does happen to the British mind – or maybe everyone’s – when confronted with a breakfast buffet. Lunch and dinner ones aren’t quite the same; it’s later in the day and your mind has woken up.
But at that point in the morning between waking and showering, if any amount of food enters your vision, you want it. On day one, I had toast, pancakes, croissant, a yoghurt, three glasses of assorted fruit juice, hot chocolate and then, after all that, I insisted on having what I usually just have every day: cereal. I imagine my mind took everything before the cereal as simply a warm-up.

Well-fed and watered, we retired for a quick shower and preparation; not entirely stress-free with my itching like crazy to just get out there. I had a vague idea of things to see and do; but when you’ve wanted to visit somewhere for a decade, it’s like you’ve got hungry eyes or something.
Even as we left the hotel room, my visuals were taking in everything; the scooters, the wannabe-English-clothes-shops, the little separate traffic lights for pedestrians.
(Which, FYI, don’t exactly amount to much. The little man may be green, but some taxi drivers aren’t exactly his best friend. Or yours.)

 The first sight we saw, or sights technically, were in fact Trajan’s column, temple and forum and the Vittorio Emanuelle monument; all of which were at the end of our road, the Nazionale. Brilliant, though, isn’t it? At the end of my road at home is a petrol station. At the end of this was some ancient history and a whopping load of blinding marble.
There wasn’t even a bad view. Standing atop the stairs of the monument, in any direction there were more ruins, sculptures, statues, a busy Italian square, tourist crowds and, in one case, a guard shouting at someone for sitting in the wrong place. Unsure where we could and couldn’t stop, we made haste and pushed onwards and upwards.

Quite a lot of hills in central Rome. Bit like Bath, but hotter.

 At the top of the (tourist-packed) hill turned out to be Capitoline Hill, which in turn lead to Palantine Hill, the whole of the Forum, the Arch of Constantine and, finally, the Colosseum.
(Another quick, putting-it-out-there moment, Microsoft Word doesn’t accept the spelling ‘Colosseum. Apparently I need Coliseum. Take a holiday, Microsoft!)

Not a bad view, it must be said. The general history and ruination of the Forum stretched out below us in a great scattering of destruction, decay and brightly-dressed tourists. With breath taken rather far away, we went past a statue of Romulus and Remus and their mothering she-wolf (involving a quick history lesson for Mum) and headed down into the Forum.

It’s a melancholy moment, in life, to walk around ruins. It plays on your mind, in so many different ways. There’s remorse, for the people who used to work, play, live there. There’s curiosity, and a thirst for knowledge. And finally there’s that little niggling thought at the back of your head; is this right?
Imagine, if you will, your house or place of work, thousands of years from now, with tourists walking all over it and around it; taking pictures, getting tours or pretending they’re shaking the statue of you’s hand. It’s not really a point; just quite simply food for thought.

Speaking of which, it was around this point we called in on a restaurant near the Colosseum to get our first taste of Italian-cooked spaghetti and proper bruschetta (which Mum went mad for. Saying that, once I’d had my first, properly fresh tomato taste, I was rather content.)
The pasta was most enlightening. After so many student evenings of pasta, pasta and maybe a bit more pasta if there’s nothing else, it was satisfying to finally get the proper stuff. I did see the point my housemate Emma made; that they don’t quite cook it as long as we do. That said, the cheese was exquisite and, well fed once again, we returned to see the Colosseum.

 There are a fair few ways to receive a history lesson.
You can read books. You can watch films. You can visit museums.
OR, and this is the one that rather ruins the others three for you, you can visit the subject monument personally.
The Colosseum, once an awe-inspiring amphitheatre of shows and gruesome deaths, now an awe-inspiring, fully-immersive history lesson.  The corridors inside are PACKED with sculptures, archaeological finds, mosaics…and a gift shop.
Personally, the mosaics were my favourite. A particularly memorable one was of two people, on either side of a side-on tiger; which I mentally captioned: “Ooohhh Noooooo! A tigerrrrr!”

Take me to the Colosseum and the immaturity continues. Moving on.

Once you push past the many little pieces of history and Italian/English caption boards, you step outside into the oval open area that is the Colosseum. It is a dire shame how much of it has eroded away over time; yet, it is still a beautiful artefact to behold. The general design is still relatively intact, despite missing an upper third of it. And some sections have eroded so much it looked like the people at the top were actually sitting on slides of death.
Maybe they were. It could have added extra merriment halfway through someone getting their limbs torn off so many centuries ago, just having a low-income Roman topple in from row nine hundred and ninety nine, stone seat C.

Following the trip into the Colosseum, we stopped at a nearby concession stand for a delicious – and massively overpriced – ice cream. In fairness, it was deemed over-priced because the man didn’t seem to hear Mum say “a small…er, piccolo…gelato…” in her pidgin Italian. In fairness…
Still, the Italian do know what they’re doing in terms of ice-cream. Accidentally large or not, I wasn’t too fussed about having a huge, strawberry ice-cream, with the Colosseum in full view.

And even that wasn’t the end to the day.

After the Colosseum, we decided to head back to the hotel for a while. Our feet were in moments of learning how to scream, we’d seen pretty much every corner of the Forum, and – as I discovered when we got back – the seventy five new photos on my phone rather proved it.

As stated, with our feet in relative pain, we didn’t venture far for dinner, and decided on a small place just down the road from the Hotel. The woman serving us may have been a bit on the rude side, but I couldn’t deny, my beef/rocket/parmesan cheese pizza was just sensational. Eating it with a knife and fork was a bit of a faff, but we’d already got the “Ugh, tourists” look enough that day and I just wanted to fit in for a little while; even if a pizza which would usually take me ten minutes took thirty.
Over dinner, we discussed seeing two more things that day which were recommended in “Day One” of Mum’s travel guide; the Trevi Fountain and the Spanish Steps.

Now, the Trevi Fountain for me was a special moment.

I may be alone on this, but whenever I travel somewhere, I build up a mental image of it in my head. Whenever I travel to London, I see the Eye in my mind’s eye. When returning to Bath, I see the busy, Bath-stone streets. And when I pictured Italy, I saw the Trevi Foutain. I think this is because it was the only part of Rome I had ever seen properly on TV.

So when we ventured back out (feet: protesting), and rounded a corner not long past the President of Italy’s house, I finally saw what I wanted to see above all else on that trip.
In three words, it was stunning, incredible and busy. Tourists clamouring around each other in the evening light, camera flashes going off everywhere, all of this mingling with the noise of the tourist-sellers bustling around with their old-fashioned cameras and squeaky-splat toys.
(Literally. A little, colourful, squidgy ball shaped like an animal’s head. The seller throws it up, it lands on the ground, splat with a squeak. And then it slowly reforms into a ball, and is picked back up. I laughed every time I saw one. It is of great regret now I’m home that I didn’t get one.)

But the Trevi Fountain was a big moment. I finished my mind’s picture of Italy, so to speak. I took many pictures, pushed my way to the front and back out again, and went off with Mum towards the Spanish Steps.
Steps which, too, were crowded. According to Mum, the Spanish Steps is a hot-spot for talent scouts and the people that need them. I was sceptic, but even as we climbed them, I heard snatches of conversation that did sound rather along those lines. I swallowed any vulgar ideas about what they were agreeing to and carried on upwards. The view at the top offered a beautifully lit street in the semi-darkness and a small fountain at the very bottom. It wasn’t nearly as spectacular as the Trevi Fountain to me, but was still most enjoyable.
Mum got rather annoyed at the random sellers constantly offering her roses; as a man, I just laughed and watched her little routes to avoid them.

As we headed back, I passed a young girl with her friends and I noticed she was holding one such rose. I silently wondered her reasons for it; but carried on indifferently.

 Along the way, we passed many, many tourist shops. And these shops truly interest me; as they’re like parallel universes. They’re all more or less exactly the same; except in one or two very minor details. Some like to sell aprons and key rings with Michelangelo’s David’s “magic wand” on them for instance.
This was not the kind I stopped in, but at one random shop, I spotted a small figurine of Romulus, Remus and the she-wolf – much like the statue we had seen earlier in the day. I moved to look down at them; and quickly find myself being drawn inside by the incredibly enthusiastic Chinese owner.
And I’m British, right? We just can’t walk out of situations like that. So, quite rightly, I came away with the small statue replica and a Mario video-game-based t-shirt.
(And I made a mental note not to let a particular hotel worker see it.)

 With the photo count now nearing one hundred, I settled down to sleep that night – or tried to over all the “mmmmmmMMMMmmmmmmmmmmmMMMmmmMMmmmmmmMmm” of that sodding air conditioning – wondering what the next few days would hold.
 
Day Three: 25/06/13
I’ve already established what happens when you put me in front of a buffet. But I will additionally mention that on this particular day, I had at least six different glasses of fruit juice, and a few of some multi-vitamin drink.
I think, subconsciously, I was making up for a holiday mostly consisting of pizza, pasta, ice-cream and tea-and-coffee-making-facility-biscuits.
 Anyway, today put us on track past the Trevi Fountain again, heading more in that direction of Central Rome. I took some more daylight photos of it, for neatness, and carried on.
We soon came across the Column of Marcus Aurelius, and the longer I looked at it, the more I heard Russell Crowe’s voice saying “this is the dream of Marcus Aurelius.” Or something like that.  Haven’t watched Gladiator in a while; and let’s be honest, it’s not a film short enough to watch on a whim.
 Got a bit off-topic there, didn’t I?
 I have to say as well, the column rather paled into insignificance a short distance later when we dropped through a few random alleyways and found ourselves in a very large square; the main focus point of which was the Pantheon itself.
 
The Pantheon is quite stunning, put simply, so long as you look at it dead on or from the inside. Around the sides and the back, it still looks beautiful in that “rustic, old, stereotypical Italian” way, but the front doesn’t match the back. It’s like discovering Buckingham Palace actually backs out onto a shed.
The interior is a lot more incredible. Everything is illuminated by a large, circular hole in the ceiling, which, if you get there around midday, lights up the stone floor to striking (and blinding) levels.  The edges are greatly decorated by more paintings, sculptures and altars etc.
(Which apparently wasn’t enough for all. I clearly heard a young American boy walk past me, asking his parents “Where’s McDonald’s?” Priorities do vary, person to person.)
I will say as well, do try to look dignified and quiet. More than once during our little visit, “Quiet please” could be heard in several languages more than once. It is a place of great religious merit, after all. Entirely worthy of a visit. And sunglasses.
Nearby the Pantheon was, quite possibly, my new favourite shop ever. As a writer, it was like heaven. Stocked, ceiling-high, with old leather bound journals, notebooks; as well as old-fashioned fountain pens shaped like quills with ink wells; and EVEN customisable wax-seal-stamps. Needless to say, I bought myself my own little journal book from there, and left with the divine hope that I live to see that shop again.
Following all this, we saw the Fontana dei Quattro Fiumi (Fountain of the Four Rivers); as expected, stuffed with tourists, performers and sellers. But in this case, most sellers were in fact artists and had done some pretty good works. And the performers were the “Invisible Man” (some glasses and a hat in a frame atop a suspiciously long-torso-ed man) and a dancing old man. The latter was definitely my favourite; his moves were not exciting, dynamic or very well co-ordinated. But still he danced and danced and danced, completely at ease. I ended up videoing him on my phone and giving him a euro. He is a hero of that holiday.
And, to top it all, to add to my “Italy Stereotypes” list, a man nearby was playing Amore’ on the accordion. (When the moon hits your eye, like a big pizza pie…that one). Gave him two euros and kept on trucking.
 There was still more to see; Piazzas Novana, Farnesse and Spada, for example. I’m afraid I cannot remember which was which, but one involved me naming the twelve sculptures of the Olympian Gods for Mum’s interest; and the other had a rather delightful Leonardo Da Vinci museum. We didn’t actually go in, but did enjoy the various knick knacks in the gift-shop out front.
Then a nearby restaurant delivered some excellent, honest-to-God, spaghetti carbonara. Not the English, microwave-meal type for us. No, no, the full-on, creamy/cheesy/spaghetti joy.
Probably left a few pounds heavier, but we were walking. Totally worth it.
As was the round of banana ice-cream that followed soon after. I don’t seem to remember ever having banana ice-cream before now; but I do know that I’ve probably spoiled myself for all future banana ice-cream in any case. 
 I don’t seem to have any more notes on the rest of the day. Apart from the fact that on the way back, an old Italian woman cried “Bellisimo!” at something or other. “Italy Stereotypes” scored another point. If only she’d done the ‘Kiss-the-Fingertips-and-Swish’ manoeuvre as well.
After that…pizza/hotel mini-bar drinks/shower and bed, most likely.
Day Four: 26/06/13
Waking up on Day Four was a rather low moment. First, because it symbolised our last full day in beautiful Roma.
And second, because we’d seen so much already, it’d be difficult to be amazed again. But that isn’t to say we didn’t try.
After another, juice-filled, “Getting-One’s-Money’s-Worth” buffet, we set off with the intention of seeing The Vatican; the last big sight to see before England reclaimed us.
Along the way, the Trevi Fountain and the Pantheon passed us by again. And I was disheartened to learn that, like commuters living in London, seeing an attraction too many times loses its buzz. I insisted we carried on before it happened fully and we soon reached a bridge across the River Tiber. The bridge itself was a sight to see; flanked with a pleasing display of different sculptures. But they are not why I shall remember that bridge.
 As we first got onto the – rather long – bridge, I was distracted by a little display of wooden trains, which had carriages that were letters, creating what I called “Name Trains.” Of course by looking, I’d already doomed myself, and the merchant came bustling up to me with a notepad and a pen and told me to write a name down on there. Unable to see a polite, British way out, I complied and wrote my name out. He then bent down to the floor and got to work making the train. I swapped glances with Mum, saying “How do we get out of this one?” He then finished, and the rest of the interaction went like this:
Merchant: “Twelve euro, please.”
Me: “No thank you…grazie.” *go to leave*
Merchant: “Twelve euro?”
Me: “No, grazie!” *set off down the bridge, Mum in tow*
Merchant: *following us now* “Ten euro!”
Me: “No, no.”
Merchant: “Nine euro!”
Me: “No!”
- This continues until we reach five –
Merchant: “Five euro!”
Me: “…..yeah, alright.”
I paid, and I got my name in a train like a seven-year-old. But Mum and I carried on, laughing to ourselves and mimicking him chasing us down the bridge, as the Vatican started to come into view. I was rather distracted by my very first haggle; learning that tip one is to walk away.
But turning left after the bridge – and Castel Saint Angelo, a nice extra little sight on the bridge – the home of the Pope was visible at the end of a long, busy road.
By the way, is there actually a difference between a queue and a crowd? If time really is money, some tourists would end up rich if they learnt what the difference is.
 Anyway, the Vatican visit was rather entertaining. The sculptures atop the two curved walls were rather pleasing to see; as was the building itself – many pictures taken.
But what properly made me laugh were all the plastic chairs. You know those god-awful chairs that they insist on in schools; that break if sat on, and like to reform in heat?
Like Italy heat, for instance. We actually sat on some to consult the map for nearby restaurants, and probably burned a few buttock-pounds in the process. I went away laughing to myself: see what kind of quality true worshippers really get?
 
The Home of the Pope; in all its classroom-chairs glory.
 
Then you see all the nuns and priests hurrying about, in full black attire, and continue to wonder: how have you not burst into flames by now?
Probably because there’d be a Satan-scare or something.
Right, let’s move on.
Lunch, in a very fancy restaurant nearby, allowed me to try veal for the first time. I know it’s horrible and cruel…but it’s also something I’d been meaning to do for quite a while. I liked it, although wasn’t massively overwhelmed. I think it’s a kind of fine meat that requires a bit more heavily on its sauce, and the sauce didn’t seem quite right to me.
Maybe I’m just old-fashioned. Give me crispy chicken skin anytime.
While we were in there, feasting on cow babies, Rome’s weather decided to change face and started raining.
Now, as said, I’m British. Rain doesn’t bother me.
So if it happens to be warm, almost tropical rain, so much the better. I imagine the Italians looked at us incredulously as we set off, perfectly content.
Until my wet Converse met wet Roman roads and I nearly slipped on every stone.
Then an electric Nissan Leaf came silently up behind me and scared the life out of me. (What was left of it, anyway, after all my slide-stone moments.)
TANGENT
Sorry, but mentioning surprised Italian’s stares reminded me of something. Mum’s guide book had mentioned that Italians are interested, curious people; and so tourists shouldn’t be too surprised to find locals basically staring at them.
Now this may have happened to me on all the other days, but only during the last two did I really notice it. Such to a point where I and a rather old Italian man were having, essentially, a staring contest.
When I brought this up with Mum, she made a rather interesting point of “Maybe it’s just a British courtesy to break that eye-contact that just doesn’t exist here.”
Interesting point. Strike up another one for British mannerisms.
TANGENT OVER
 
It was at this point that Mum and I went our separate ways for a while. We had discussed having just a few hours to ourselves; and this was really our last chance.
So, we went to the Pantheon and then split up.
I went off on a little adventure to buy my housemates some little gifts, and then after that, just went wandering. I love wandering. It goes back to the ‘hungry-eyes’ thing I mentioned. You can just go where you want, as fast as you want, and see everything around you in a natural, not-following-the-map kinda way.
I thoroughly enjoyed it; saw the Piazza del Popolo, where they were setting up some kind of music festival stage. There were also some more excellent sculptures scattered around; the photo count climbed ever higher.
And then I decided to do some shopping; which basically involved me making an absolute, British-tourist-twit of myself…and seeing some random, homeless-looking guy go “GRRR!” at some girls. Who, understandably, screamed and hurried off.
That doesn’t really add, or mean anything. But it was memorable, for the wrong reasons.
Headed back to the Pantheon again to meet Mum, who had purchased a Leonardo Da Vinci t-shirt from the museum we had seen the day before. Was rather pleased with herself, it has to be said.
 Then we started wandering to find a place for dinner. Happened to stroll into a square, which had an agonisingly beautiful, rustic café, complete with old Italian men playing chess together outside. I very nearly took a picture, but didn’t want to look strange, so instead marked another point to my “Italian Stereotype” list and carried on past them.
There was a little place just down the road where we called in, to receive an excellent ham pizza and a rather sharp cocktail. My “Stereotype” list scored another point, when Con te Partiro (It’s Time to Say Goodbye) came on the radio behind Mum. I tucked into my pizza, listened to the beautiful music and a part of me wished I wouldn’t be on a plane home the next day.
 On the way home, past the Trevi Fountain for the last time, we stopped to throw a coin in. It’s said that those who throw a coin into the Fountain shall return to Rome. I flicked mine in, with hope, and turned to leave. We called in at an ice-cream parlour, San Grispo, for our last taste of proper Italian ice-cream. I can honestly say, if you find yourself in Rome, find San Grispo. You shall not leave disappointed.
That night entailed little more than packing, drinking, and heavy hearts.
Although I went to bed glad that the flaming air conditioning vent would cease plaguing me the following night.
 
Day Five:  (You guessed it ) 27/06/13
I didn’t start on a plane, and I won’t finish on a plane.
As this is my blog, I shall end on a thought, a joke, and for once in a short while, a book recommendation.
Between check-out and our taxi to the airport, I had time to think and write in my journal.
Our holiday to Rome was quite spectacular. Better than last ones in my life, because I’m older and mature now. I actually wanted to experience the history, and beauty, and culture of Rome. I wasn’t just a hot, stressed-out little kid being dragged along; more often than not, I was walking far ahead of Mum.
As said at the start of these five thousand words of travel writing, (Score!) I had been asking to see Rome for ten years. And I think it was worth the wait.
If I had seen it at the time I asked, I would have just been the kid at the back complaining of heat, foot pain and demanding an ice-cream. (Maybe Mum will tell it as I did that anyway!)
But because I had those ten years; to want it more, and maybe more importantly, to study Classical Civilisation and know a lot more about all the histories, the holiday meant more to me than ever before.
I wonder where I’ll be writing about in the next ten years.
The joke, well, isn’t really a joke. But it sure as hell entertained me.
The taxi-driver who drove us home from Heathrow Airport had survived an Olympic elevator landing on him.
And finally, the book recommendation. I started reading it in the airport when our flight home was delayed two hours; and found being told to get up to board the plane as nothing less than an interruption.
The book in question is another Neil Gaiman hit. Shocking I know. Still, I recommend American Gods as another great fantasy read.
And I recommend Rome. Completely.  
 
***
Links, for those interested:
 
Russell Crowe's "These are the dreams of Marcus Aurelius" moment (SPOILERS): http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=72uwmHsFSAg
 
 

Friday, 31 May 2013

The Lightside Enigma

There was once a little lampshade. He was beige, conical and full of dreams.
He started life on a shelf, a HOMEBASE shelf to be exact. This was not an enjoyable start to life, as many of his twins forever rested upon his head. It was not enjoyable to be crushed under the weight of so many family members, but he knew one day, his time would come.

Then, by chance, that day came earlier than expected.
The morning passed with no real excitement. People went by, maybe one twin was lifted off the top and removed. Shade was ready for another day of being squashed and deflated.
That was until an independent contractor showed up. Shade didn't know this exactly, all he could see with the room he had left was a rather gaudy tie.
"Ah, these lampshades should do just fine," Colourful-Tie said.
Shade suddenly felt at least five of his twins being lifted off from the top, and the world came into a rather sharper view. Indeed, Shade was able to see the Tie Man trip over a passing, running child, and land on top of all his brothers, crushing them.
Staff members rushed over to help the man with poor taste in ties. He got up, dusted himself off and took down the next five, including Shade.
"Guess these will do then."
With little dignity left, the man carried the group to the tills.
If lampshades were capable of noise, Shade would have been yelling in excitement.

For the most part, the next part of his life was not exactly action packed. Shade went from a HOMEBASE shelf, to a cupboard, to a van, to the floor of an empty block of flats.
Not long after the latter part of his life, he was strapped to Mother Wire - silent ceiling hanger - and left in a bare room.
This room, over time, took more signs of life. More light attachments were added, carpets fitted, windows cleaned.
And eventually, Shade was forcibly introduced to Brother Bulb. Shade would direct Bulb's power and keep him from the dust, and in return, Bulb would keep Shade's life illuminated.

From that point on, Shade and his Bulb-Brother would always be working together; bringing light and destroying darkness whenever they were switched on enough. They both existed together, happily, suspended by Mother Wire.
They didn't ask for much. Bulb often wanted his head exchanged; Shade often got rather dusty. But overall, they were a peaceful group, in the flat of a quiet old woman who only asked for their assistance when she wanted to read in the evening.
Not once were they used late at night.
Never.

Of course, time progresses, as it always will.
Times change, as they always will.
Bulbs change, as they annoyingly have to be.
And people move out.
And people move in.
And sometimes new people aren't liked. Sometimes they don't show respect to their furniture.
Sometimes they'll leave a bulb on all night and get their nice lampshade all hot and bothered simply because they forgot to turn it off when they came in from drinking.

Shade, Bulb and Wire got new owners very much like these. They suffered in silence for two years, until the - quite literally - Black Day.

The owner came back drunk, again. But this time, something was wrong.
Very wrong.
The owner was not alone. In through Front Door, new people were coming in. 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8 people! Eight new people who were probably going to show as much respect to the Lighting Trio as their owner.
Things progressed rather tensely, but safely, at first. The drunken nine were happy with their bottles, their music, and their shouting.
Then one got onto the sofa.
And declared he was Tarzan.
And jumped, reaching out...
                                            ...grabbed Mother Wire....
                                                                                     ...who snapped........

The group crashed down. Bulb showed signs of breaking, but held it together, as Mother Wire tried her best not to scream.

Laughter. So much drunken laughter, Shade thought it'd never end.
Then the three were dragged upwards.
Used as a hat.
As a wrist decoration.
Twirled round and round by Mother Wire.
Until eventually, Mother Wire squirmed free.
The Lighting Trio flew...across the room...out the open window...across the street...down into the gutter.
There they lay. All of eternity stretched out before them. Bulb was lined with cracks, and Mother Wire was hanging lifelessly.
Shade could only think back to Bad-Tie-Man. To the child who tripped him. To the twins, one of which should have been right here instead.
All Shade had was his thoughts.

*
 
The next day, the Shade-Bulb-Wire would be discovered during a drive into town. The two discoverers, codenamed Stairs and Landmine, would not be able to stop to pick up and rescue the trio.
No. They could only watch as they passed, Shade covering Bulb from the increasing rain.
But the two would spare a thought to the trio; wondering how they could have possibly arrived there and what had happened prior to the incident.
They would speculate many theories, and even laugh.
On the drive back, they would notice and wonder aloud about how the trio had suddenly disappeared.
They would even tell friends about their passing encounter; even joke that they should write a story about it.
 
Hence, we are here.
Hi Chelsea! Just for you =]
 

Sunday, 26 May 2013

The pixels are clearing...

It's been nearly 2 years since I've posted twice on here in the same day. It's even been quite a while since I've posted twice in the same month.
But a certain event has lead to this development; and when you've finished this post, the one afterwards may make  a little bit more sense.

So yesterday, 25.05.13, my PlayStation3 froze. Which is nothing new, except when I turned it back on, it told me something about a corrupted storage system and some kind of restore manoeuvre.
In any case, it would seem that whatever I choose to do, all saved data and what-not will be wiped, to return my PlayStation3 to, quite simply, just that. No games, no music, no pictures, no messages.
Nothing.

Suffice to say, I was rather miffed at the time and, right this minute, have tabs open to PlayStation support, my email account and online advice.
But this event has rather inspired a great deal of thought. I now have two options:

1) The Immature Way: Keep trying to restore the console, or wipe it and start again, or buy a new one. Which I know sounds like three options in one, but in summary, option 1 allows me to remain as a Gamer. In likelihood, I am going to have to start EVERYTHING from the beginning again, which sounds both interesting and exhaustive. (Mainly in the case of LittleBigPlanet and Skyrim. *sigh*) 

2) The Grown-Up Way: Stop. Just stop. Instead of spending so much of life in front of a screen, do something else. Do some writing or reading, get a job, go get some exercise. Every time I fancy shooting zombies or driving fast in some pixels, I could go out and actually do something worthwhile.

This debate has kept me thinking hard for the last 18hours or so. I'm suffering a huge internal conflict, with options 1 and 2 both shouting their views inside my head - and none of this is helped by a second conflict shouting along with them:
I have been gaming since my childhood; it is an integral part of my life versus Why am I getting so frantic about something as meaningless as video games? 
Tricky one. It's essentially the immature side and responsible side fighting again but in a different way. And I've no idea which to listen to and I'm starting to get a real headache.

The fact that I haven't decided yet also interests me. Maybe this is, what they'd say in Doctor Who, a pivotal point in my timeline - the deciding moment where I'll either grow up or just keep to my childish ways.
It is an incredibly big question for me; one that I doubt I can answer alone. It seems I want to grow up and down in the same instance. Maybe I should just do nothing.
But I do that so often in my life I'm starting to get sick of it.

Anyway, I have the emails and PlayStation websites still open. By either today or tomorrow I shall have made an informed decision. Whatever conclusion I come to, things are going to change.
Only one way to find out if it's for the better...

(Any sensible opinions on what to do are welcome, Facebook.)

 

Different Disappointment

Hah, my 42nd blog post. Maybe this post will have something to do with Life, the Universe and Everything.
But I highly doubt it.
The subject matter of this post is as follows:
I have found the worst kind of dreams.

Now, I imagine the primary thought here is "nightmares", which is a fair point. Nightmares can destroy a person and create the strongest of fears.
But I have one famous line for you, actually taken from The Hunger Games: "Hope. Hope is the only motivator stronger than fear."
By extended knowledge, smashed hopes hurt you more than fear.

So the worst dreams are not scary nightmares; they are hopeful dreams.

I get these a lot when I'm going through emotional times in life: a falling out with a friend, the passing of a relative or even losing a possession dear to me. I'll spend most nights - if not all, depending on the connection with the friend/relative/possession - constantly dreaming that I am reunited with them/it. In my mind, all differences and losses are optimistically swept under the rug and I'm left inside my own mind with nothing but pure happiness at being reunited.
Right until I wake up.

This is where Hope-Dreams triumph over Nightmares and win the title of 'Worse'. A nightmare can be escaped by waking up. You leave fear and despair behind and re-enter a world of safety and optimism.
With a Hope-Dream, it's completely the other way round. The friend still hates you, the relative is still gone, your possession is still broken/lost. And that cuts you far more deeply than waking up scared ever will.

It's more often than not horrible waking up from dreams anyway. You can no longer fly, or can't talk to animals or be a superhero anymore - but you can accept that more easily. Having these kind of powers is unlikely anyway, so you just get on with your life.

But after a realistic dream, you just can't. A broken heart is a desperate muscle - believe me, I know. Even if you see something happy in your head, just for a minute, you will grab onto that and hold onto it no matter what. You will accept that everything has changed for the better because that is what you want, above all else. 
Peace is yours, right until you open your eyes.
And it hurts.

So yeah. Not a happy or exactly meaningful blog post. But it's just something I've come to realise given situations recently.
More often that not I wish to live inside my own head.
It's far happier in there.

Saturday, 13 April 2013

Ode to a Dentist

I currently have a dull-as-dead-dishwater essay hanging over my shoulders, and to make sure my Creativity doesn't get sucked out by this Dementor of Boredom.
So, this is actually something I've been meaning to post for a while. During my "6-Days-At-Home-For-Easter", I decided which kind of employment-scale person I pity the most. It isn't a bus-driver, it isn't a celebrity, it isn't that unemployed, homeless guy to whom I gave a Chewitt because I had nothing else.

I feel pity for the Dentist.
"The Dentist?!" You probably won't say. "The Dentist? The one who earns more than enough a week, drives a BMW and spends most of their life sat down? You've gone mad, Robert. Mad!"
(To any of those who properly know me, 'gone mad' is far too past-tense to describe me now)
But yes, I pity The Dentist. Sure, they may be fairly rich and have it quite easy; but that is just the tip of this Iceberg mint. The true nature of The Dentist is 7/8s below the water.
(Or mouthwash, depending on how allergic to puns you are)

But consider this: Firstly, The Dentist is feared. Think back, when you were a child - and maybe still, even now - did you fear The Dentist? Did you sit in school, the day of your appointment, dreading the twisted mass of bone and metal soon to come? Did you organise your next appointment 6months ahead and naively feel you had an eternity before the next torture? Did you sit in the waiting room, a jumble of nerves, trying to distract yourself with the funny-looking-toothbrush posters? 
If the answer to these is Yes, you and I shared a similar childhood.
The simple fact-of-the-matter is, The Dentist is right up there on the Childhood-Scares metre, nestling in nicely somewhere between "Cupboard Monsters" and that good old TV show Goosebumps.
(Yes, Goosebumps scared me as a kid. Remember the TV intro and that dog with the glowing yellow eyes? That alone would have me freaked for the rest of the evening.)
So yeah. The Dentist has to go to work everyday - possibly in a BMW - knowing that every time a child sits in the foldy chair, they are petrified. They're petrified of what's going to happen to their teeth, they're petrified of the man/woman behind the mask and all they've got to listen to is that constant "eeeeeeeeeeee" noise which NEVER stops in that sodding waiting room. Seriously, Dentists must build up a considerable tolerance to that high-pitched whine. I wouldn't be surprised if they experimented with a 'Dentist-Mating-Group', and evolution would soon lead to a Dentist which had the hearing skills of a bat.

Where was I? Oh right. The Dentist is rich, and feared. Much like Christopher Lee, I imagine. (Who once played a Dentist; the plot thickens)

My second Point of Pity: sure, they get to sit down all day, but all they have to look at is that SHOCKING white which accompanies any building with the word 'Surgery' on the sign, and people's mouths. Be honest, have you ever looked in your own mouth after brushing your teeth and been even remotely entertained?
If the answer's Yes, I would recommend a long holiday, maybe in a place with a lot of clubs and a distinct lack of mirrors.
Feared and bored. That's a dangerous combination; last time someone feared and bored walked into Gotham City, a lot of people died.
Are there Dentists in Batman's world?
...Sorry, tangent. We'll come back to that another day.

Yet another pointer: A Dentist's patients are, mostly, liars.
Be completely honest: Every day, once or twice, you'll brush your teeth. You might not put an awful lot of effort into it, you might even leave it til tomorrow morning.
Only once or twice a year will you properly clean your teeth: The Night before The Dentist Appointment. There'll be electric toothbrushes dragged out from forgotten Xmas presents, mouthwash, gargling, floss - the full shebang. Your teeth will be cleaned within an inch of their existence, and then portrayed proudly the day after like a dog at Crufts.
"Ah, I see you floss and use mouthwash often?" Says The Dentist, with your child cowering in the corner, desperately waiting for you to finish.
"Oh yes, every day," you "lie through your teeth", probably not very coherently.

I wonder if The Dentists know this happens. If they do, they must sit there thinking "Oh what is the point? I've got a liar, then a whimpering child afterwards, all the while looking at teeth."
Bus drivers probably don't uses buses.
Waiters probably eat their food with little serving as possible.
But can Dentists avoid bringing home with them? Walk in the door, drop your coat, smile at your kids and BOOM, Daddy's back in the office.
(If by now you do pity Dentists, now pity their children. No sweets, mouthwash at Halloween and the constant threat that if you break an ornament, you'll be getting an appointment 6months in advance)

There are probably jobs which deserve more pity. Grave diggers. Warehouse workers. The backing instrumentalists for Justin Bieber, etc.
But when I had my Dentist appointment and was lying, staring up at a Where's Wally poster on the ceiling, I had time to think. And when I have time to think, it normally ends up with me coming here to write random musings.
Maybe if I had been wearing my glasses, I'd have just tried to find Wally and gone home. But sometimes being partially blind leads to inspiration.
Although never tell a blind person this. I cannot imagine the foul look you'd get in return over your left shoulder.
Okay, we're getting bitchy now. Time to wrap this rant up. Pity the Dentist, be nice to the blind and sometimes forget your glasses. You never know what might come up.

by Robert Bull- "writer, Timelord, and anything that isn't boring"